Recently life has really been hitting me hard. More specifically, adult life. In all honesty, I've been babied and not disciplined well. (I blame both my parents and myself for that.)
I know I've said this a few times before, but my tablet is even worse and I'm really afraid that it's gonna die any day now. It's made me really stressed out that I don't even want to use it for fear that something else might go wrong with it. I don't even have half of the funds I need to buy a new one and my parents can't afford to pitch in anything at the moment because they have to pay for a lot of other things. So that brings in the really big (at least for me) need for me to find a job.
But then that brings in even more problems. Finding a job isn't that big of a deal. I can stock shelves, I could work a cash register (with training of course), but the problem is a ride. I rely on my parents so much and it's not necessarily a bad thing, but to me I feel like I'm leeching off of them so much. My mom always tells me it's fine and that she doesn't mind because she loves me, but that just makes me feel even worse. She does so much more than me, not just for our family, but for my pastors family too, that I feel like if I add something else to the list she might explode or melt or something extremely unpleasant like that. D:
My dad is talking about selling our old red truck (which was supposed to be mine when I got my license, but then it had break and transmission problems so it was useless for a long time, etc etc so now it's just a junky car that barely runs; i also don't have my license yet because of not having a car that i'm insured on or a car that runs properly for me to take the test with) to get me one that works properly. But then that just adds to my guilty conscious.
I know I shouldn't feel guilty; helping me out is what my family is for. But I haven't done much to repay them for what they've already done and I feel like I need to be able to take care of myself without having to rely on everyone all the time. I'm not a little kid anymore. I'll be 20 next year. I even feel guilty for relying on God for my spiritual well-being, which hasn't been doing good either.
I don't know. I just feel so tired and stressed and afraid of everything right now. Mostly the future. I know it's already planned out and God has everything under control, but that doesn't keep me from being concerned about it, especially when things like this happen.
I'm probably overreacting about this whole thing. It's not like earning money is hard. I could probably just go walk dogs or something or mow lawns (I do that every other week anyway).
buuuuuuuuut it's 5 pm and that means i can go curl up under the blankets and pretend to not exist for a while so
*slinks away quietly*