DotW RP: No Apologies

It seemed for a moment that life was going alright. With the end of the war, the wolves of Chandor were beginning to relax. The forest was serene as winter approached and all was calm. However, that was until Lyn realized Mason was missing. At first, she thought it might have just been that he had wandered off and was exploring the territory, much like she did when she was young. As the weeks passed without any sight or sound from the young male and Lyn could no longer go on telling herself that he was merely exploring. He had vanished without a trace and the happiness she felt was now replaced with anxiety and fear. Where had he gone? Had he been taken or did he leave of his own accord?

Gregor tried to console her that some males left on their own without a word, and she knew that this was true. Nonetheless, this did not soothe her soul and she couldn't sit back and wait or wonder anymore. She made sure her remaining children were aware of the situation and she and Rowan set out early in the morning toward the southeastern border of Chandor, where Mason had last been seen.

---

Rowan walked silently next to Lyn, every so often falling back or bounding a few steps ahead to take in the scents of the surrounding area and try to find anything that resembled his son. In some respects it seemed he was more frantic than Lyn, who of the two of them was known to be the more emotional one. Of course that was not difficult, as Rowan was about as emotional as a rock.

As the pair searched and the hours seemed to slide by too quickly, and not quickly enough, Rowans mind raced with gut wrenching questions. Had he been a bad father? His first litter had left him, too. Although, the circumstances were different. Yet still, had the loss of his first family gotten in the way of him becoming close with his new one? Was he a bad mate? He glanced guiltily at Lyn, who had been nothing but kind to him from the day that they had met. He had been welcomed into her home by her pack, and into her family by her father. Was he too distant to make things work? Had his distance been obvious to their children? Was that why Mason had left? Was it his fault?

---

As their search continued, Lyn caught Rowan's glance. It wasn't often that she could read his face, but in that moment, she could see the guilt and worry behind his eyes that she was sure mirrored her own. She closed the gap between them and rubbed her head against his in silent reassurance. She wasn't quite sure if the reassurance was only for Rowan though; she too was feeling the guilt. Had she spent too much time on her duties and not enough time with her children? This was one of many questions she knew could only be answered by finding Mason.

As Lyn pulled away from the embrace to continue their search, she inhaled sharply. She had been able to keep from crying this whole time, though it was more so because she seemed unable to. Perhaps it was the shock or the anxiety, but somehow the tears were kept at bay. Lyn let her nose fall toward the ground and she sniffed as they neared the border. She had been able to pick up Mason's faint smell here and there, but until now it hadn't been strong enough to give them a good idea of where he had gone. As she pulled the air into her lungs, it became more apparent that he had been heading to Morrow Cross. She should've guessed; it was almost the last place anyone ever went anymore, not to mention it was the easiest way across the treacherous mountain range that bordered the southeast side of Chandor's valley.

She stopped and looked up at the peaks, letting her eyes trail down to the overgrown pathway that was Morrow Cross. "Mason." she breathed, her voice almost getting lost in the cold breeze of winter's arrival.

---

Rowan looked towards the mountains and towards Morrows Cross. He felt a pain in his throat, a weak whisper of sorrow as it seeped through him at his mate's single word, calling out the name of their lost son.

"Lyn.." He said in turn as she said the name of their son. He turned to look at her. "I'm so sorry." He finally said, he didn't know what else to say. He felt as though it was all his fault, no, he knew it was. She had done nothing wrong, and he had resisted every step of their relationship. He couldn't imagine that Mason had not caught onto that.

---

The tawny female was just about to step toward the crevice when she heard her mate whisper her name. She turned to look at him, meeting his sorrow filled eyes. At the sight of such emotion on Rowan's face, a lump formed in Lyn's throat. There were times when Lyn felt the relationship had been one sided, knowing very little of Rowan's past. Whether trust issues or something deeper and more profound than she could imagine, Lyn truly loved Rowan even when he seemed distant and reluctant. To her, the look of sorrow and guilt she was seeing now made her believe that he loved her as well, though perhaps he just wasn't so good at showing it.

He apologized as if it was his fault. If this was a lighter situation, she might have chuckled or even scoffed, but this was serious, for both of them. Lyn wouldn't dream of blaming Rowan and it broke her heart to see him blame himself. But who was to blame, if it wasn't Rowan or herself? Lyn slowly shook her head, a sad and knowing smile on her lips. They both blamed themselves, yet neither blamed the other.

"No apologies." She said. "Not yet." Not until they found Mason. They were both full of emotions and until they found out why Mason left, there wasn't anything that could be said. Lyn lightly touched her nose to Rowan's cheek before she turned toward Morrow Cross once again and began the trek across.

---

Her response was so stubborn, it reminded him of when they had first met, and Rowan recognized the strength in her which he admired most. She always seemed so unsure, but he could see right through that. She was much stronger than she knew, and it was her sure and steady nature which had reassured him into starting their relationship. It was that which he risked loving her for.

He leaned in just slightly as she brushed her nose on his cheek, a soft sigh escaping in his breath. He stood in his place momentarily as he watched his mate make her way into the cross, and slowly he began to follow suit. Soon enough they were deep within the crevice in the mountains.

The two walked silently along after that. Every so often Rowan set his nose to the air, desperately seeking the scent of his lost son. The farther they went, the less he could smell it, although he wished that he could. "Lyn," He called towards her. His voice echoed ever so slightly, and a few small rocks began to click their way down the cliffside next to them.

Immediately, Rowan looked up, stopped, and hesitated. The snow must have weakened the walls of the crossing. He looked to Lyn, and more quietly this time he spoke, "Lyn, he's gone." He hated to admit it, but he couldn't smell Mason anymore, there were no tracks, no sign of him. If they kept going, they would leave Chandor without either alpha, and they had a responsibility to the pack just as much as, or more, than they had to their own family unit. Admittedly, it was not a responsibility that he liked, but he did respect it. "We should go back." he told her, his body language just as reluctant as the tone of his voice.

---

It was hard to focus on where to put your paws and keep sniffing the air for a faint scent in a small crevice. After a while, Lyn was panting and she didn't want to admit it, but the smell was getting weaker and weaker. Her paws ached from misstepping and sliding on the rocky terrain and it hurt her lungs to breath in the cold air of winter. She didn't stop though; as long as she could still smell that scent, she would keep going.

They traveled for a good half an hour before Rowan finally spoke up. He called to her, his voice disturbing a few loose rocks, which fell down the mountain and into the crevice beside them. She stopped and turned to look behind herself at her mate. It took her by surprise that he was quite a few paces behind her. She had been scrambling through the pass recklessly, whereas he had probably been taking his time and making sure not to step on any sharp rocks.

"Lyn, he's gone."

She shut her mouth, her eyes widening ever so slightly at his words. What?

"We should go back."

Lyn couldn't believe what she was hearing. Her mate, the father of her children, wanted to go home, wanted to give up looking for their missing son. Her brows furrowed in anger and shock as she turned herself around to face him.

"What?" She hissed, her voice echoing just as his had moments before. "We barely even made it outside Chandor! He could be just on the other side of the mountains!" Lyn's voice steadily rose as she spoke, echoing louder and only reverberating the strain and desperation in her tone. More rocks dislodged themselves and tumbled down the side of the cliff, but Lyn paid them no mind. She couldn't keep from thinking about the smell, the smell she desperately tried to hold on to, yet even as her breathing quickened, she could no longer recall the scent.

---

"Lyn," Rowan was more and more aware of the dangers that they faced within the cross as more rocks trickled down the cliffsides towards them, "Please!" He insisted. He didn't know what to say, he didn't know what to tell her. Their son had left, but he was not dead, and Rowan was happy for that. They could not go chasing after him, not at the cusp of winter, leaving their pack to fend for themselves without even a word.

"It isn't safe here." He warned her, his own eyes scanning the cliffsides for debris. "Mason.." He looked back at her, "He made it through, we at least know that. We should regroup with your father, figure out a plan." He offered, taking a few steps towards her, trying to be reasonable.

---

For a few moments, Lyn was blinded by her desire to find her son, blinded to the caution and fear in Rowan's eyes as the debris from the cliff clattered down into the canyon each time their voices rose. She felt the hot tears well up in her eyes. She didn't want to admit it, but she knew he was right. She knew it was unreasonable to continue. Even so, Lyn tried to compress this knowledge. If they could just get through the Morrow Cross, they would find him, she was sure of it!

"isn't safe here? What if Mason isn't safe wherever he is?" She retorted, her voice cracking. Steadily, her voice rose as the fear of her child's fate played with her mind, images that portrayed death and suffering. "What if he needs our help? What if he's hurt? You're saying that we should just turn back and leave him!? What if it's worse, what if-" Lyn was suddenly cut off by the rumbling of the earth. She jerked her head upward in time to see a large piece of the cliff crack and fall away, making it's descent toward the two wolves with haste.

Lyn swung her head back to face Rowan and only now had she realized how stupid she was. There was no time to say she was sorry, to say he was right. Now she had put them both in danger. Rocks clattered around her feet as she lunged forward, aiming her body toward her mate in an attempt to push him out of the boulders path.

---

Rowan took a hesitant step backwards as his mate stomped towards him with angry words. He understood how she felt, more than anything he did, but he didn't want anything to happen to her either. He stood firm after a moment and waited for her to reach him, her own words spitting at him with the wrath of a concerned mother. All he could do was look down at her with empathetic eyes before the clattering from above shocked the both of them into looking upwards.

Things seemed to go in slow motion from that point on. He looked down at Lyn, who looked up at him. He could hear the faint clinks and crackles of the rocks as they made their way down the crevice and he could see Lyn take action, moving towards him with each of his own heart beats as a stop-motion beat that he didn't have a handle on. She knocked him off his feet and he could see each single piece of dust as it flickered before his eyes and he floated just as gently to the ground with them.

When he hit, things went back to normal. No, not normal, too fast. He gasped as the earth knocked the wind out of him, or maybe that was Lyn, and sprung up as quickly as he could manage. As he spun around his heart stopped, the boulder from above had reached them now and he caught one last sight of Lyn before he couldn't see her anymore.

"LYN"

LYN.

YN.

YN.

His shrill cry echoed throughout the canyon, no longer concerned with keeping his voice down or worrying about what might happen if he didn't.

"Nnnoo." his voice cracked out as he fell at the foot of the rock, pushing away any small clusters he could with his paws and nose and anything else he could until he finally found fur.

"Lyn.." A mere whisper now, as he licked away a delicate layer of dust which was only just settling down after the crash.

---

Successfully knocking Rowan out of the destruction's path, Lyn took the full force of the avalanche upon herself. There was a flash of tremendous pain, but before she could cry out in agony, the world went dark as she fell unconscious. It felt like eons before she roused again, hearing her mate rip and claw rocks and boulders out of his way to find her. Finally, the light hit her face and she squinted and then clenched her teeth. The pain coursed through her body and she could feel sticky, hot liquid on her face. A whimper that she could not contain escaped her lips.

However, when Rowan whispered her name, her eyes slowly fluttered opened. The sight of his face, safe and unharmed, filled her with such joy that she forgot about the pain. Oh it was still there and with every shift, she could feel it shoot through her bones. But knowing that she had saved him from the atrocity she caused was enough to bear through it.

She opened her mouth to speak, but wheezed. The rocks were gradually crushing her lungs; he would probably tell her not to speak, to wait for help, but Lyn knew; this was it. There was no coming back from something like this. With this revelation, she felt it even more imperative to speak and so she tried again, her lips trembling.

"I'm so- so sorry, Rowan." She spoke slowly and with much difficulty, beginning to sob silently. "I love you so much-" A whimper cut her off as she tried to shift closer to him and she briefly squeezed her eyes shut to try and push through the pain

---

Rowan collapsed next to the rubble which covered his mate's twisted body as she began to rouse from within it. "Shh.. don't move." He whispered as she opened her mouth to speak, though not even a wisp of air could be heard as silence escaped her lungs.

He leaned forward, moving away the smaller rocks with his nose so that she could be more comfortable. The situation was bleak, and he knew there wasn't anything he could do for her, not while they were alone and so far away from the pack.

As she struggled with her words, Rowan's face churned in pain. His guilt consumed him as she tried to take the blame, when he knew all too well that it was his fault. If Rowan had been more open, Mason would have stayed. If he had stayed, they wouldn't have been here. If they hadn't been here.. it was all his fault.

"No, no.." He whispered, "No apologies." His own words echoed ones which she had said to him earlier, their meaning more weighted now, "Not yet..." He told her.

She professed her love, which he already knew. "Lyn," He struggled to hold back tears, his own heart was in his throat and he couldn't get out the words, "Lyn, I-"

I love you.

But they wouldn't escape his lips.

---

Through gargled sobs, Lyn smiled at her mate. Funny how fate could twist scenarios so quickly. Lyn could see the strain in Rowan's eyes as he tried to reciprocate what she had said to him moments ago. Through their entire relationship, he hadn't once verbally said he loved her. Sometimes she doubted, but looking at him now, seeing the pain he felt as if he himself had been caught beneath the weight of the avalanche with her, she saw it.

She inhaled sharply, bringing on more pain and sobs, in an attempt to speak again. Her smile didn't falter though as she stared up at her mate. "It's okay-" She strained herself to speak softly, comfortingly, like she would if he had been the one wounded. "I know." The world seemed to spin go dark for a moment. She blinked rapidly, like she did when she felt exhaustion taking hold, as if that might be what was happening. "I know." She repeated. She let out a final exhale, slow and steady, while her lids fell closed and her body lay motionless, the smile still etched onto her face.

---

Even in her final breaths, she comforted him, and carried him in the dance that was their relationship. Never had he met anybody as selfless, as caring, as brave as her. Never would he again.

As her body went limp and the light left her eyes, his own form collapsed even further into the rubble and he shuddered, and he sobbed. She was gone.

For minutes he lay there, tears streaming from his heavy, shaking form. He didn't know how long it took for him to stop crying, but when he finally did he lifted his head and looked upon her once more. "I-" He fumbled for words, even still, "I love you, too." He said, his voice cracking under the weight of his own sorrow.

Rowan rested his head in the fur of his mate, not caring to move away from her just yet, if ever. Eventually he knew he would have to leave her, to go back to the pack and to tell them all what happened. But, not yet.

He laid there as the night fell, and the two were consumed by darkness.